I looked in the Farmer's Almanac and found that maximum crop yield is achieved when corn is planted during the third week of April. I planted three seeds on April 25th.
Day 0 - Corn is the wave of the future, so I'm planting some in my office. I tried planting corn last year, but I had total crop failure when my plant got lopsided and fell over.
I looked in the Farmer's Almanac and found that maximum crop yield is achieved when corn is planted during the third week of April. I planted three seeds on April 25th.
Day 9 - I have three beautiful sproutlings. Two will die.
One will live. Survival of the fittest.
My crop has a very dramatic view. The corn is already leaning
toward the window. Last year's crop failed when it grew asymetrically
and fell over, snapping the stalk. I must take preventive
measures.
Day 36 - The office corn has really taken off. Well over
knee high. I've moved the office corn to my filing cabinet for
better sun exposure. I rotate it 120 degrees (1/3 of a rotation)
every day in hopes of keeping the foliage from becoming lopsided.
It is still slightly crooked from weekends spent facing one
direction. It keeps trying to flop over and die. I won't let
that happen.
Day 48 - My Corn Man, Mike studied horticulure at Purdue
in Indiana. He must know crazy shit about corn. Mine is much taller
than expected for its age and softer to the touch. The color is not
as dark as it should be. Corn man is dubious about this
venture. Perhaps conditions are too ideal in my executive office?
Corn Man scoffs.
For a while now, I've been supporting the office corn with plastic
office rulers. I think a critical time is approaching. Maybe Corn
Man is right - corn will never grow without direct sunlight. The
lower leaves are falling off. I can hear Corn Man laughing...
Day 51 - I've decided that I must act swiftly as my crop is
in peril. I purchase a 3-foot dowel from the art store for $.25.
I gently tie the office corn to the dowel with twist ties padded by
cut strips of paper towel. Things are looking better at last, with
lower leaves supported and weight removed from the drooping stalk.
Day 58 - The office corn is really starting to
flourish, so I've decided to integrate it with some of my other
plants. Isn't he/she lovely?
The leaves had been growing one at a time, with the next leaf
growing upward to extend the stalk. I think that is part of the
reason that the office corn was so unstable. Now a cluster of four
leaves is growing at the same node. I asked Corn Man about it. He
thought the leaves should be grouped in twos. Corn Man isn't really
all that much help.
Day 65 - Inna is the office corn's nanny, or
even surrogate mom. She helps with the office corn's daily rotational
needs when I'm out of the office.
I think the job used to be pretty hard on her. When the office corn
was wilting and Corn Man was making his dire pronouncements Inna
started to lose faith that the office corn could survive. It's so
tough to become emotionally attached to something that might die.
Now her feelings are starting to change. For my birthday Inna gave
me an assortment of corn implements. Thank you Inna! You gave me so
much more than a Corn Brush, a Corn Stripper, a Butter Boy, and
two sets of Korney Corn Holders. You gave me something far sweeter
than the plumpest kernal of corn. You gave me, and
the office corn, the gift of hope.
Day 71 - The office corn has blasted off!
When I left the office on Friday there was a cluster of five
leaves growing from a single node near the top of the dowel.
Back at the office after the July 4th weekend, the office corn
towers above its support. It leans toward the window with a pronounced
curve and I must act quickly to straighten it.
The tiny pieces of stalk between the five leaves in the cluster
suddenly started growing all at once. As if inspired,
the office corn is now growing at five times its previous rate! It's
not pretty, but the office corn survives!
Day 76 - At the last report I forgot to mention
that if I stood on tiptoe and peered down the center of the stalk, I
could see something odd growing. But what? The mystery is solved.
Day 78 - I've decided to do something about the
office corn's rumpled appearance. Some of the lower leaves have become
creased during the daily rotation ritual.
I hold the firm belief that anything can be fixed with twist ties
and tape, so I will attempt to fix the office corn with twist ties
and tape.
I discretely scotch-tape a length of twist tie beneath each crease...
and walla! The office corn is starting to look pretty sharp. At
this point it is growing a few inches per day. I am so sure
of its health that I've removed the supporting office ruler.
Day 86 - The seed package states very clearly
that corn should be planted in clusters so that the plants can
germinate one another. I asked Corn Man about this issue before I planted
the office corn and of course he said it didn't matter.
The office corn is a hermaphrodite. If the office corn were a
person it would be a freak of nature. But it is actually normal, for corn.
The little tassle on top is the male sex organ and it makes pollen.
I've been waiting for an ear to appear, which contains the female sex organ.
I had no idea where to look for it and I couldn't fine any clear picture
of an emerging ear. I become concerned that I may have an infertile
office corn until finally one appears, overnight.
Day 88 - The ear should sprout silks, which are the female sex organs. Each
silk is connected to a little female gamete
that has to be fertilized with pollen from the tassle to create a
kernal of corn. Silks don't emerge from an ear until long after
the tassle sheds its pollen, so a corn plant usually doesn't pollenate
itself.
I may have to give the office corn a 'helping hand.' I have considered
introducing bees to the office environment to help with the pollenation.
Perhaps I would base them in Corn Man's office. But this idea appears to
be some kind of workplace violation. Instead I may have to participate
in some three-way corn plant lovin' if I want to enjoy some
delicious corn in the future.
I guess male gametes are harvested the same way the world over. I hold
a xerox paper under the tassle and apply a gentle stroking action...
I swear that the next thing that happens is 100% true and not
fabricated! What should happen on the very same day that the office
corn sheds its pollen?!? Inna spots a little intruder hopping down
the hallway toward my office, as bold as can be. In the five years
that I have been working in this building, have I ever seen a living,
breathing, non-human animal on the wrong side of the glass? No I have
not. Not until today.
Day 107 - I am now offically worried. I've read
that a corn plant should silk about 5 days after it sheds its pollen.
It's been - uhm - 19 days. The ear is looking kind of bigger
and the whole plant looks more mature, but the season is fading fast.
At least, if nothing else happens, I can be proud that the office corn
grew to become a lovely decorative plant. At his/her full height,
the office corn is seven inches shy of the ceiling. And it is a verdant
respite in an otherwise cornless landscape.
But I was dreaming of so much more...
To be continued...
Editor's Note - I have recently learned that
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